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<blockquote data-quote="Jessica Booker" data-source="post: 86612" data-attributes="member: 2672"><p>A few comments from my perspective:</p><p></p><p>- you don't need the dashes either side of "and real" in your first paragraph.</p><p>- "A secondment with a client in its in-house legal team" could just be shortened to "A client secondment"</p><p>- one can become me - "allow me to develop an understanding of the client’s business"</p><p>- I'd remove the repetition of "concerns" in your first sentence of the second paragraph.</p><p>- The second sentence in the second paragraph lacks a bit of flow from what you have said previously - it almost comes across like a fragment sentence</p><p>- "It is for these aforesaid reasons that I feel that a secondment" can be condensed down to "For these reasons, a secondment"</p><p>- The first and third sentences of the third paragraph again lack flow - they read again like fragment sentences.</p><p>- Unclear whether the "The Social Way initiative" is something the client or the firm is doing. In the first sentence it reads like the client is doing this, but in the fifth sentence the use of "firm" makes it sound like the firm is.</p><p>- you can remove "in-house" from the final sentence</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Jessica Booker, post: 86612, member: 2672"] A few comments from my perspective: - you don't need the dashes either side of "and real" in your first paragraph. - "A secondment with a client in its in-house legal team" could just be shortened to "A client secondment" - one can become me - "allow me to develop an understanding of the client’s business" - I'd remove the repetition of "concerns" in your first sentence of the second paragraph. - The second sentence in the second paragraph lacks a bit of flow from what you have said previously - it almost comes across like a fragment sentence - "It is for these aforesaid reasons that I feel that a secondment" can be condensed down to "For these reasons, a secondment" - The first and third sentences of the third paragraph again lack flow - they read again like fragment sentences. - Unclear whether the "The Social Way initiative" is something the client or the firm is doing. In the first sentence it reads like the client is doing this, but in the fifth sentence the use of "firm" makes it sound like the firm is. - you can remove "in-house" from the final sentence [/QUOTE]
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