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I am no expert, but: I thought the first paragraph was really great- the first few sentences completely sold me.Somehow, I feel that despite you having many real achievements, you don't sell them as well as you could have done. I'd also get rid of the 'trulys' and 'genuinelys', as it gives you a tiny bit more space to maybe flesh something else out further. In particular your pro bono work seems super marketable and interesting, I think you should really hammer home why it makes you so compatible with the firm, and what it has taught you that is distinctly applicable to HSF.This ties into the last paragraph, where I just feel you should reorient it all slightly to be more focussed on why it makes you want to work for them, rather than why you are a good candidate. Though, I understand this is a bit of a blurry distinction to make though.I hope this helps. Again, am by no means an expert. )
I am no expert, but:
I thought the first paragraph was really great- the first few sentences completely sold me.
Somehow, I feel that despite you having many real achievements, you don't sell them as well as you could have done. I'd also get rid of the 'trulys' and 'genuinelys', as it gives you a tiny bit more space to maybe flesh something else out further. In particular your pro bono work seems super marketable and interesting, I think you should really hammer home why it makes you so compatible with the firm, and what it has taught you that is distinctly applicable to HSF.
This ties into the last paragraph, where I just feel you should reorient it all slightly to be more focussed on why it makes you want to work for them, rather than why you are a good candidate. Though, I understand this is a bit of a blurry distinction to make though.
I hope this helps. Again, am by no means an expert. )
